The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out.
«Sorry,» he said.
The last man came into the office.
The inverviewer said, «To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.»
The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said, «Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!»
2
Manager: «Sorry, but I can\'t give you a job. I don\'t need much help.»
Job Applicant: «That\'s all right. In fact I\'m just the right person in this case. You see, I won\'t be of much help anyway!»
3
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, «What do two plus two equal?»
The mathematician replies, «Four.» The interviewer asks, «Four, exactly?» The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, «Yes.»
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, «What do two plus two equal?» The accountant says, «On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.»
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, «What do two plus two equal?» The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, «What do you want it to equal?»
4
«So tell me, Mrs. Smith,» asked the interviewer, «have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?»
«Actually, yes,» said the applicant modestly. «Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.»
«Very impressive,» he commented, «but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.»
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, «Oh, that was during office hours.»
Слова и выражения:
agent – агент
apply – применять
beat – бить
blank – пустой, незаполненный, холостой (патрон)
comment – комментировать, выражать мнение или оценку
curtain – занавеска, штора
dedicated – посвященный, посвятивший (себя)
exactly – точно
gun – пистолет
hesitate – колебаться, сомневаться
impressive – впечатляющий
incredulously – недоверчиво, скептически
interview – собеседование, интервью; собеседовать, интервьюировать
interviewee – интервьюируемый
load – грузить, нагружать, заряжать (оружие)
loyal – верный, преданный
modest – скромный
pose – ставить, предлагать
railing – поручень, карниз (для шторы)
screaming – крики, (истошные) вопли
shade – шторы, жалюзи
shoot – стрелять, убивать выстрелом из огнестрельного оружия
shot – выстрел
silence – тишина
FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigations) – Федеральное бюро расследований
job interview – собеседование при поступлении на работу
give your all – отдать всего себя
beat to death – забить до смерти
two plus two – два плюс два
оn average – в среднем
worth mentioning – достойный упоминания
national magazine – журнал, имеющий хождение по всей стране, «центральный» журналExercise 3
Answer the questions:
1. What qualities should one have to be a FBI agent?
2. What does an applicant for a FBI position have to do in order to prove that he is fit for the job?
3. How many blanks was the gun loaded with?
4. Who of the three people (mathematician, accountant and economist) will be hired?
5. What do two plus two equal?Training Programs for Employees
Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Communications Services
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Thank You.
Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division (CROCK-OF-SHIT).
Слова и выражения:aptitude – склонности, способности
assure – уверить(ся), удостоверить(ся)
basic – базовый, основной
bull – сленг ерунда, чепуха, несуразица
complete – полный, завершенный; завершать
consider – полагать, оценивать, считать
crock – сленг глупость, бессмыслица
dip – сленг ( от dipsomaniac ) страдающий алкоголизмом
discretion – усмотрение
display – показывать, демонстрировать
dumb – глупый, тупой
handle – управляться (с чем-либо)
intensity – интенсивность; интенсивный, напряженный
memorandum – памятная записка, меморандум
participate – участвовать, принимать участие
refer – относить(ся)
related – смежные, имеющие отношение, дополнительные
shit – груб ., сленг бессмыслица, глупость
subject – тема, предмет
supervisor – руководитель
thorough – полный, исчерпывающий, тщательный
wish – желание; желать
in order (to) – для того, чтобы
highest quality work possible – работа высшего (из всех возможных) уровня качества
keep well-trained – поддерживать высокий уровень квалификации
special attention – особое внимание
at your speed – на присущей вам скорости
qualify for position – соответствовать квалификационным требованиям должности
meet the requirements – соответствовать требованиямExercise 4
Answer the questions:
1. Why is Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program introduced?
2. What does an employee have to do if he or she does not receive his or her share of S.H.I.T. on the job?
3. What program is available for those who think they have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program?
4. What program is open for those who show aptitudes adequate for a Director\'s position?
5. Where should employees address if they have any further questions?More Employment Opportunities
1
Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I\'m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
2
Employer: Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Applicant: I ought to be able to. I\'ve had ten different jobs in four months.
3
The Human Resources Officer: And what starting salary are you looking for?
Young applicant (fresh out of Business School): In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.
HRO: Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say, a red Corvette?
Applicant: Wow! Are you kidding?
HRO: Yeah, but you started it.
4
Personnel manager: What is the meaning of this? When you applied for the job six weeks ago, you told us you had had 5 years\' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you\'ve ever had.
Employee: Well, in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.
5
The navy psychiatrist (interviewing a potential sailor): Now, let\'s check on your response to trouble. What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?
The baby sailor: I\'d grab a torpedo and sink it.
Psychiatrist: Where would you get the torpedo?
Sailor: The same place you got your battleship!
Слова и выражения:
ad – объявление
battleship – военный корабль
benefit – выгода; здесь : премиальные, дополнительные блага, предоставляемые компанией своим работникам